When a press release for an alleged Rock ‘n Roll band promises “Banging Choons” (I kid you not), you know something is up. Calvoon are a four piece Electro-Indie Rock band hailing from Newcastle, with Scouse written all over them. “CominOnStrong2TheMaximum” is the latest single from the band, hot on the heels of their debut release “Come On”.

First impressions are critical in the music world, so when the one worded, numerically sympathetic grammatical holocaust of a title caught my eye, an aura of despair leapt through my body. I haven’t seen that style of titling since around 2000, with the release of “fakesoundofprogress”. However, that album’s saving grace was that it was actually good, which is more than what can be said here.

Built on a pounding disco beat, complete with robotic vocals and synth effects, “CominOn” is a blend of disco and 90’s Britpop, worthy of chart success. Commercial success, however, is not what constitutes as a good band, and the disco-punk-pop sound is annoyingly uninspired. With its bland guitar work and nonsensical and overly clichéd lyrics, it is far too painfully reminiscent of “chart success” Stereogram’s Walkie Talkie Man, in that it too is merciless in its disregard for musical taste. The vocals are rough and abrasive, and would be incredibly off-putting were the song anything other than the tried and tested Britpop formula (oh, and the disco, but really, let’s not mention that). The drums are simplistic, and at some parts sound like a tin of Quality Streets being hit in a notably rhythmic fashion. Timing disappears into the ether, however, when an attempt at a drum solo outro rears its head.

The song’s video is equally confusing, leading me to beg the question, “why are they all 45 and dressed like underpaid game show hosts?” I thought this might explain the sound for a minute, but no such luck. With a turn of a Calvoon brand radio and the aid of magical blue lightning (think Big Trouble In Little China), they all magically transform into their happy dancing Geordie selves. The rest of the video is largely concerned with the keyboardist/second guitarist doing some wonderful little jigs and a confused looking bloke trying to work out what that noise is. You and me both, mate.

The B-side is more of the same Britpop-meets-McFly formula, and although slightly more upbeat and poppy, is nothing worth mentioning. The single is, if anything, a testament to the need for originality within the British underground music scene. According to Mike Lee, “Calvoon aren’t here to ponder philosophically the order of things”, which is a real shame because should they ever contemplate the philosophy of music, from Hedonism to simple originality, they might begin to see that chart success is not what makes a band, and to make decent music is to be original and do it well. They do neither. Next.

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